I wondered why I never connected with my mother. I never longed for love. I know it sounds crazy, so listen for a moment. I never longed for love because I never felt it from her. You can’t miss something you never felt. I am not saying my mom never loved me. I know she loves me. I never felt the love emotionally. My mom cared for me the best way she could, or that is what she told me.

The revealing part is that I do not have any warm and happy childhood memories of my mother and me. I do not know if I blocked out my memories purposely to protect myself or if I don't have any happy memories. For years all I had was anger and resentment in my gut and heart. My childhood reminds me of a blank canvas. No memories, no childhood stories, no happy moments I can vividly describe. It's just blank. My mind and body were filled with darkness, cold, and sadness. I couldn't shake it for years.

I blocked out my childhood trauma as if it never affected me, but it did. It hit me right in the face, like a bat. It stung. I tried to block out my feelings. So, I became a Busy Bee. I was busy being busy. I worked two jobs, was in school, and was in a long-term sad relationship. But the past will catch up to you. 

As women, we all suffer from some disconnect from our mothers, whether minor or significant. It is the gigantic elephant in the room, sitting on the couch with its feet up in hot pink heels. We never entertain it. We ignore it and hope it will go away. It will never go away. Trust me; I live it. My mother and I need therapy. I never told her this. We need help. I resented her so much for the pain and suffering as a child due to her absence; I never let her in. I never let her know who I was. I felt she never cared, so I just shut her out. It was not fair to her, I admit.

I created a narrative in my head of how she felt about me, so in return, I widened the gap between us. Deep down in my gut, I felt this hidden feeling telling me to move on. I know my mom and I have a mutual understanding of our relationship. This is what we call surface-level communication. Oh, how is the weather, or you stay blessed conversations.

I don't call her for advice; we don't discuss relationships, marriage, or any intimate topics. I felt she judged me just as much as I judged her as a woman. What we judge most about our parents is what we become. I started making the same choices as my mother in my relationships. I became a reflection of her. This was the day I stopped judging her. I never understood my mom, but I know her choices; she believed we were correct and best, but that is her narrative. My story is quite different.