4:9-ME VS ME
Me vs me
〰️
Me vs me 〰️
My boyfriend tells me all the time to go with the flow. But I just can’t! I can’t sit still, not worry, or stop constantly being in my head! It is easier said than done. Especially when you are 35, in debt, working two jobs, and dating someone with a kid. You get my drift. I can’t go with the flow. But I sometimes wonder whether I am stealing my peace. Am I uneasy and uptight because of the choices that I make? I want to live my life as if I were watching a movie at the drive-in. You know that feeling…the wind in your hair, the breeze hitting your face so gently with a small dab of sun hitting the best side you always use when taking a picture. It sounds so soothing even when I write about it. I want this life. I like this feeling. I want it NOW! How do I get it? Where do I begin?
Sometimes I compare my life with the person I want to be. I am comparing myself with the Shayeeda who I thought I would be by now. The funny thing is, I ask myself if I would still compare myself to the future Shayeeda. Will I ever be satisfied with just Shayeeda? I catch myself in deep thought so often I pass my exit on the freeway to get home almost three times a week. By comparing myself to myself, I am stealing JOY from myself. I am constantly living for tomorrow. I am existing and not living in the moment. I want a Chill Lofi Mix Life. But I continue to live a haunted past life.
Want to know a secret…I blamed my boyfriend for not providing the tools to live as the future Shayeeda. I believed he would create the life the future Shayeeda wanted when we started dating. I learned very quickly it was always up to me to develop and build a future life for Shayeeda. The first mistake is humans tend to believe and trust others more than ourselves. It took me two years to admit this to myself. Listening to Mel Robbins, The 5 Second Rule and Reinvent Your Life on Audibe created clarity.
We always know what to do; we don’t do it. I know exactly what to do. I am scared to do it. I am afraid to write this blog, express how I truly feel, make better choices despite who it hurts or offends, and be alone. Yes, I said! Finally! I DO NOT WANT TO BE ALONE. The NOW Shayeeda does not want the FUTURE Shayeeda to be ALONE. So, start saying that, Shayeeda! Start living in the now like FUTURE Shayeeda.
“Sometimes we self defeat without knowing”