To fuck it days…

Hey Bleu Bells,

In this edition of Bleu Buzz, I’m hitting you with something raw and real. I’m at a crossroads, and let’s say the usual isn’t cutting it anymore. I’m fed up with the mundane, repetitive, soul-sucking routine that doesn’t align with who I am or what I yearn to achieve.

I caught myself driving to work and immediately did not feel like going. I no longer have that fire to go to a job that makes me feel empty. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t hide it anymore. It’s in my attitude as soon as I walk in the stale doors to climb up three flights of stairs and hit the old musky smell of the hallway into my shared office, where I sit at a desk all day and do the same shit. I feel like I’m missing out on the possibility of doing something outside the box for me. Sometimes, I want to stay in bed and not move. I feel like cement.

I know there is more. 

I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I do. 

I know I have a bigger purpose. 

I know I am meant to be somewhere else. 

What do you think I should do?

Do you know what I can do?

When do I do it? How do I do it?

Honestly, I am just tired. I am tired of the same old shit. I'm tired of the constant excuses I make to have temporary relief, which is why I am not doing what I need to do. It’s all bullshit. I know the truth deep down inside. We all do. We choose to ignore it. Facing the real problem is always the most challenging part.

I feel like a fucking broken record sometimes battling the same shit. It is starting to become pathetic in my book. I sound like the boy who cried wolf. Eventually, people stop showing up. I do not want to stop showing up. I don’t want to be full of shit where I am all talk and no fucking play. I am just venting. Today has been one of those days where the enthusiasm in my voice is not present, and the bitchy shaybleu is coming out.

Please don’t judge. Sometimes I just want to say fuck it.

What do people do when they feel this way? 

What should I do when I feel this way?

I admire people who overcome shit like this and keep going. Sometimes they are going through 10 times worse shit, and they have the willpower to keep going. 

I want that. 

I want that willpower. Even when I say Fuck it! I want to keep fucking going. I am going to figure this shit out, Bleu Bells, I promise you all. I do not have any of the answers, but I am searching for the formula to share with you all so we can keep going even when we say Fuck it! 

So here’s the plan: On the days where we say Fuck it, or feel like this is straight bull shit. Just do one thing that you know is a step closer to living the purpose you truly yearn for. I am just going for it and writing everything I feel right now because it makes me feel better, and I enjoy sharing it with others who may feel the same way.

To the Fuck it Days. 

Shay 💙